The Opener: Goodbye Surface Level

Goodbye surface level refers to me sharing more than just surface level stuff like the really cool hike I went on this past weekend or the “aesthetically pleasing” food I’m eating. Goodbye surface level means saying hello to the yucky parts of me in hopes of cleaning those yucky parts out. So with that established…
Recently my Doctor asked me to start recording everything in my day to day life, down to how I’m feeling.
I thought incorporating my feelings was a bit too much as I was just trying to get rid of my stomach pain, but I was wrong. One pattern I immediately noticed was that everytime I ate something unhealthy and felt bad about it, my stomach would hurt. Everytime I ate something unhealthy and went about my day instead of dwelling on it, my stomach didn’t hurt.
I started to wonder why this was and regrettably it came back to body image, which ties into my fear of gaining weight, which ultimately ties directly into my identity. For short: eats food —> feels guilty —> worries about weight —-> worries about image.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “you could avoid all of that by just eating healthy.” My response is the key word to look at in that argument is avoid. I could avoid my fear of gaining weight by eating healthy, I could avoid all the anxiety and stress that comes with it as well. However, I’m not looking to avoid, I am looking to solve. I want to solve my issue of thinking the way I look takes away, or adds to my identity. I want to solve the problem, not just avoid or evade it by sticking to the safe zone of healthy foods.

Side note: I hope it’s clear that eating healthy is good for you, and I support that. However, I want to be able to eat healthy without the underlying motive of not gaining weight. I want to eat healthy for the sake of nourishing my body, period.

So I suppose this is the part where I say this is when I decided to love myself for who I am, and screw society’s unrealistic views, and who cares and whatever else. Sorry, no. There are plenty of other inspirational articles that will tell you that and give you their recipe for success. This is the part where I get real and just say “yeah, this is a very real problem, and I’m one of the many that struggle with it, and I am one of the many who want to solve it.”

When all is said and done, I don’t want to constantly be in fear of gaining weight. So I want to dig in, and see where that fear comes from, in hope that it will not only be beneficial to me, but to my readers as well.

So I guess you could call this an opener post, a little preview of the ones to come, this is the beginning of exploring one of my deeper rooted heart issues, and you’re more than welcome to watch it happen. Why? Because there is freedom in knowing you’re not the only one.

– Hope

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